“It’s about to be Halloween; you could be anything you wanted if you were still here.” Taylor Swift, Ronan.
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When I was four, I wanted to be a ladybug. When I was five, a paleontologist. At twelve, an author. Now, I no longer know what I want to do with myself. I want to be something less concrete: to be good, to be kind, and to be enough.
I used to love Halloween, though ironically not for the candy. I had never liked candy much. Instead, I preferred watching the dressed-up people walking outside. The feeling of fitting into something larger than myself was the magical part.
After all, there is only one day in all 365 when you can be whatever you want.
My mother is the person who made Halloween special for me. She loves it beyond comprehension, for the same reason I do. Every year, she would sit me down on our black leather couch and ask me what I wanted to be. I would whisper it in her ears. Then, we would lie in my bed, scrolling for hours on YouTube looking for tutorials on how to make our costumes. Every year, our costumes would be handmade. They always ended up more beautiful than the store-bought costumes.
I absolutely loved it. Anticipation would radiate through me for weeks leading up to the 31st. I found it utterly captivating, the way my mother could turn me into anything I wanted to be. Perhaps this gave me a sense of control: for once in my life, I could pick and choose who I could become. There is something oddly freeing about that when you are a child bound by duty and expectations.
This year, my mother sat me down on that same leather couch again. It’s now worn and faded and somehow, I still love it just as much. She asked me what I wanted to be for Halloween.
“I don’t know,” I told her. I don’t think I’ve ever been unsure before, but this time when I picture what I want to be, all I can see is the perfect image of what I’m expected to be.
I no longer see myself as a ladybug, or a paleontologist, or even an author. The old me would have known what she wanted. I am afraid I am no longer that person anymore.
That is how I know this Halloween will be the most terrifying of them all.
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